9/11/2017 – 16 years ago I was 8 years old. I don’t think I really understood what happened that day. I knew it shook up the country. I knew that people had died in a horrible attack, and now it has sunk in only deeper. Life is so fragile and vulnerable. My life is so fragile; so many people passed from life into eternity that day. My heart hurts knowing that there were people who lost loved ones that day. I think one of the books that made it so real to me was this book, ‘Let’s Roll’ by Todd Beamer’s Wife. Todd died in a plane crash that day, a plane that was meant to go into another place and kill so many more people. He was one of the ones that attempted to retake the plane from the hijackers, and the plane crashed in Pennsylvania. The book is so powerful, and it reminds me that my life is in God’s hands. And there is no saying when I will die, and I want to be ready. I want to pray for those who are really grieving so hard today knowing that they lost ones they loved, and I want to continue to pray for those who are being affected by Hurricane Irma and the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey.
Meredith, my friend at the Cookie Chrunicle shared a post as she was so close that day to the happenings of September 11th, 2001.
‘O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.’ (1 Corinthians 15:55-57)
I never thought I would share that I once struggled with binging (AKA: eating large quantities till I was uncomfortably full.), but I know God humbled my spirit through it and drew me closer to Himself and farther from the food that was my idol.
Why did I binge? Well, when I was a young child, I didn’t binge. I ate normally. I ate when I was hungry. I stopped when I wasn’t. It was pretty simple. As I became older, I did lose sight at time of what God calls the faith of a little child. Matthew 18:3 says, “And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.”
Little children have simple faith. They believe that mom and dad will feed them. They don’t worry about eating or starving because they know mom and dad have fed them every day for the past 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 8, 10 years.
Then I began to want to trust myself and my own feelings. That’s when I began starving myself and eating only to barely function, not to live. It wasn’t that I was self-controlled. In fact, it was the very opposite. I was so extreme that I couldn’t find a balance.
However, it eventually came to a head when my dad confronted me on my eating habits. I realized that I should start eating again, but I wasn’t sure how.
The re-feeding part of recovery is tough on a girl’s mind when you’ve been so used to idolizing the idea of a perfect body and perfect eating habits. It’s REALLY tough. I felt so deprived, and that often led to eating, eating, and more eating. And it wasn’t just eating till I wasn’t hungry or comfortably full. I ate till I felt sick, because I ate like I wouldn’t eat another day. I didn’t trust God for the morrow. I trusted my feelings and my instincts, and they always led me wrong.
And I didn’t like it. It always left me feeling uncomfortable, miserable, and sad, and I knew I needed the void filled by something far deeper than binges and sugar and food. . . However, it didn’t happen right away.
It took time.
It took a long time, and I think a part of it was my body had been so starved for so long for the right kind of nutrients and the right amount of food, and my body was now freaking out; my mind was also freaking out thinking that if I didn’t eat a ton of food right then, I wouldn’t get any later.
So I ate. I ate much more than I was hungry for, and I would go to bed feeling guilty, feeling like I had failed.
It pointed me back to Jesus.
It pointed me back to grace, God’s grace, that I needed God’s grace, and I couldn’t do anything to ‘fix myself.’ I didn’t need to be worried about it; I could literally take all of that to the Lord, knowing that the blood of Jesus Christ washes away the guilt and the shame.
Yet God healed my mind and body. He taught me that every day He is able to abundantly provide all the food and nourishment I need, and I don’t need to worry about whether I’ll get enough.
I also wanted to let you all know that I started my Instagram account over: (If you want to follow me my handle is the same, ‘beauty.in.christ.’ Here’s the link!
Now I would love to hear what you think!
Have you ever struggled with binging?
How did you overcome it?
Do you think that binging can partially be the need for ‘refeeding’ after an eating disorder?