I tried to hide in the bathroom, but I really couldn’t. I tried to hide the extra food that I was eating at night in recovery even, because I felt so ashamed for being so hungry. No human eye was on me. I was crying, because I had just stepped on the scale for the … 50th time that day. And that number made me ‘feel fat.’ It defined me; I thought it did. It was all secret, I thought. My eyes couldn’t see anything but myself. I searched:
Weight Loss Strategies
and more … thinking … or acting like I couldn’t be seen.
The whole problem was… I wasn’t acting in the light of the God who made me, the God who promises that He will be the Father of the repentant, the redeemed, even the most broken, dirty, vile people. And I had never felt so vile, realized so much that there was something my soul needed, and that was not more of me.
My soul needed to behold God, to be humbled, to realize that I needed God.
‘He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea.’ (Micah 7:19)
The shame of sin is real. The shame, the guilt of my idolatry was real, and I didn’t want people to know.
But the real question that I wasn’t facing was, ‘What does God think of me idolizing my body above Him?’ …
God could see me in that bathroom, and the amazing thing is that God cares. God cares so much that He healed me. He healed my mind. He brought me back to Himself through His Son Jesus Christ.
‘I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.’ (Jeremiah 17:10)
God searched my heart. He tried me, and He did the cleaning that only God can do. ‘Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.’ (Psalm 51:10)
FREEDOM is worth it; it’s hard to talk about the struggles, the hardships, but the lessons learned, the cleansing that happens is like no other.
So what would I say to someone who feels ashamed of an eating disorder?
#1) Jesus Christ didn’t despise the broken or the hurting; take your hurts to Him, and He will hear even when it seems like no human ear is there.
‘Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,’ (Psalm 103:2-4)
Even when the world despises you for not appearing strong and self-confident, Christ Jesus calls us to have confidence in Him, because He never changes. He gives the eternal, filling, life that only He can give.
And if Jesus Christ cleanses us, we are FREE to strong in the Lord and the power of His might. Human might comes and goes. If I had confidence in myself and my ability to recover, I wouldn’t have really recovered or had hope that my life means something.
My life is here for God. It’s not just me. It’s more than me. It’s far more than me, and my life is never hidden from God. The most comforting is knowing that Jesus Christ is with me through every valley, and my life is meant for Him now.
A new creature in Christ; old things have passed away, and all things have become new… I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of saying that Jesus Christ came to earth to do exactly this, to die for sins, to LIVE again to that human souls, eternal souls, would be at home in Him, at home in knowing that to live is Christ and to die is gain.
God knows what you are struggling with; don’t keep it in the dark. Talk about it. Pray about it. Go to a counselor. Ask for prayer. Don’t bear this burden by yourself, when the Lord promises to be the Shepherd of all who come to Him.
To end, this is what Jesus Christ does. He exposes us so that we can have major surgery and be healed from the very inside out. He doesn’t do bandaids. He does heart transformation. <3
Do you have faith, that Jesus Christ can heal you, even if you feel deserted, dark, dirty? This centurion who didn’t even know Jesus knew that Jesus Christ could say the word and heal his servant.
Jesus can heal your paralyzed heart and empty soul. He can bring out all the darkness and FILL you with light, life eternal. That is why He came.
‘When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed, suffering terribly.” Jesus said to him, “Shall I come and heal him?” The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. ‘ (Matthew 8:5-7)
I couldn’t hide the eating disorder, but the most freeing thing was being exposed to be healed. Come out of the darkness. God brings you out of the darkness and into the light.
And there is nothing more freeing than to walk in the light.
I’m not saying that I don’t still look up calorie counts, and I still do struggle with the temptation to:
Obsessively Weigh Myself
Worry about what I’m going to Eat
Sweat over too many chips eaten
Or be anxious about a restaurant meal…
But Jesus Christ has freed me to NOT be that person, to be a new person that doesn’t live like that anymore. I don’t have to hide anymore.
Yes, I have restricted, cried over clothes not fitting, spent hours looking for calorie counts, been jealous of other girls because they were so skinny, spent way too much time focused on food, body, numbers, and comparison, but I’m not going to hide that … I’ve been depressed, angry… but Jesus Christ has made me new.
I’m not going to hide who I am or was because I don’t want to hide what Jesus Christ is and does. <3
You can be free to be vulnerable, to tell others that you’re struggling. It’s not a shame to struggle. It’s not terrible to have an eating disorder; tell your story, be free, and see the beauty of the Light of the World flood into your body, your soul that was once dry. Don’t hide behind a pretense of being fine. Jesus Christ KNEW people weren’t fine, but He went to them, and saved them, so that they would no longer have to hide from God, but so that they could be healed, at peace … and full of eternal joy in Him.
‘All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.’ (John 1:3-5)
Some of the super precious amazing sisters in Christ who have not hidden their stories:
Thank you Amanda for allowing us to ‘Think Out Loud’ with all the other blogger gals and guys every Thursday. It’s truly a privilege to share stories, learn, and give to each other.
‘He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”(Mark 5:34)
‘ Have you ever hidden a part of your story?
How did you share your story? Was it hard?
Did you find freedom when you didn’t hide your story anymore?