Edited to Add: Right now I thank God that by His grace, I am at a really good place in recovery. I haven’t experience many of these darkest parts of recovery right now; I do have other struggles, but I am so thankful to remind you all that His grace and power do deliver us from the darkest parts. I am free from many of these thoughts, more free than I’ve ever been before, but I do want those who are still going through them to know that you are not alone.
Sigh. This is not something that I love to talk about, but it is something that is true, and I’m thankful that God’s precious Word doesn’t avoid the darkest places that we face, the depth of grief, the hard things that I can barely talk to other people about, and yet He brings JOY. Psalm 22 is the psalm that came to my mind tonight when I was talking to someone about the very hardest, darkest parts of recovery.
‘My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring? O my God, I cry in the day time, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent.’ (Psalm 22:1-2)
There were times I went through recovery that I felt utterly forsaken. I had no where to turn, and even when I prayed, I felt like I was abandoned. It seemed as if no one cared. And these darkest parts? I’m going to share some of these darkest thoughts with you and end with what has and constantly gives me solid, constant joy and hope after going through those impossible seeming dark, broken days and weeks and months and years.
Some of the things I thought were,
“Maybe life isn’t worth living. Maybe I wasn’t created for a purpose. Maybe I don’t have any value. Maybe I should just die.”
“Is God good? Is God gracious? Has God heard me in my crying? Is God real?”
“I’m so broken; everybody would just want to throw something broken like me away.”
That’s why Psalm 22 is so so perfect to share with the most broken, shattered, hopeless heart. It echoes the depth of despair and the height of hope in God.
Scripture has always always comforted my heart because it focuses me back on Jesus. It takes me back to Him who heals the brokenhearted, gives sight to the blind, and preaches the gospel to the poor, who gives home to the condemned sinner, and releases the slave.
I felt like a slave, even though I didn’t look like one. I felt so bound by this that I didn’t know any other life.
Now I don’t want this to be about me at all. But I wanted to let those know who have gone through these feelings and thoughts and valleys, that the darkness, the very darkest parts of recovery are not so dark that Jesus Christ can not pierce them. He doesn’t bandaid the problems or cover them over; He addresses them. That’s what is so incredible and can be painful sometimes to my sinful heart about the Bible. It tells me what my real problem is, and it tells me what the real solution is.
Yet JESUS heals. Jesus reconciles. Jesus takes you out of the darkest, darkest parts that no human being can pluck you from, and He makes all things new.
that’s what Psalm 22 reminded me of last night. Thank you for reading. <3
He makes the most broken things, dead things new. It’s so incredible that I can’t even believe some days how much freedom I have to eat, more freedom than I’ve ever experienced in my life around food.
This day of eats was yesterday; roughly. I took pictures of most of my food, but if I didn’t I’ll list it instead.
Breakfast: It was one of Laura’s soft, delightful spinach donuts (they’re amazing!!!!) with almond butter.
I ate this as a pre-run breakfast, so later I fueled up with a really calorie dense, delicious bowl of peanut butter delight overnight oats. I posted the recipe on my Instagram.
Lunch: Peanut Butter Cup Delight White Chocolate Overnight Oats (Find the recipe for this EPIC thick, chocolatey bowl of oats on my instagram.)
Snack: 2 Mini Larabars from my awesome sweet friend Ivanna (who sent me a HUGE box!). I had the Cashew Cookie and the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough bars.
Dinner: The Taco Salad got bigger and bigger and bigger…. and then I ate it.
Dessert: One of Ashley’s Lemon Donuts with a scoop of icecream. This was a picture I took earlier so, alas, I didn’t get a picture of the epic Dreyer’s Peanut Butter cookie dough ice cream.
Speaking of which I have two important announcements!
- Have You Entered My EPIC Whole Me Giveaway? You will NOT regret it. These clusters will have you eating the entire bag. They are grain free, gluten free, and NOT TASTE FREE. I’m not gluten free, but I do enjoy quite a few gluten free foods. You have to do the ‘taste testing’ for dad, right?
- Georgie was so kind to share 30 minutes of time with me on this podcast I posted yesterday about finding joy in the little things along the way in recovery! I would love to hear what you think of the episode!
1) What are the darkest parts of recovery you’ve faced?
2) The darkest parts of your life? What have they taught you?
3) What is your favorite kind of oatmeal to eat?