Picture Credit: All of the photos of me cuddling with my adorable husky Ochki were taken by my sister Bekah.
I don’t think I’ve wrestled so much with truly being content in the last 9 or 10 years, and I don’t think I’ve ever found such glorious freedom and joy and learning to be content especially with the way God made my body in the last year. This year has contained SOOO much; it contained healing with my digestion, facing fears especially related to traveling, realizing that I wasn’t as far along in recovery as I thought, and coming to truly embrace the joy of knowing that God can take care of my body and heal my body and understands my body much better than I do.
I’m finally happy in choosing a Medium over a Small if it will make me less aware and conscious of my body. I’m thankful for the opportunity to be more involved in other people’s lives like Jess mentioned in the podcast. I was so focused on myself that I could not see other people’s hurt and other people’s insecurities and needs and their brokenness too.
Now I’m going to open up and bare my heart on one area of contentment that I’ve really been wrestling with for the last four months.
I would love to get married.
Philippians 4:11, ‘Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am,therewith to be content.’
I truly was SOOO content in my single-hood earlier in this year. Then. . . a person walked into my life. This person didn’t know that I liked them, but I did.
I still do, but I don’t know if it’s the Lord’s will, and I don’t want to go into anything or say anything unless the Lord is with me. So I’m relearning the joys of being single. I’m learning that my identity in Jesus is unchanged, and that His steadfast love will never ever change for me.
One of the Biggest Struggles That Often Comes Out Because Of My ED Is This:
1. I often listen to the lies of the devil that I need to be perfect, entirely flawless, for another person to accept me. Yet, if I’m truly desiring to marry someone who loves Jesus, who knows the love of Jesus for him, I know that he’ll know the depth of unconditional love, and because of Jesus if God wants us to be a team, to be husband and wife, we can love each other like that.
How do I answer this lie?
I fear rejection, but if Jesus has accepted me. Because God has accepted me in His beloved Son, I don’t need to ‘fix’ myself. I need to confess that Jesus is the One who fixes me, the One who saves, and the One who will bring me together with someone, if that’s His will.
Jeremiah 29:11-13, ‘For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.’
So what does being content with being single look like as a daughter, a child of God?
- EMBRACING EACH moment with my family. Right now as I’m writing this we’re sitting by the fire. I have a husky at my feet. My mom is reading a book. We’re cleaning up after a week long conference at our house, and why would I want these moments to just pass away so I could get married?
- Asking the Lord for wisdom and contentment and the joy of the Lord in this season. I want to pray more, because I’ve been honestly feeling lonely, feeling like I could never be complete without someone else. Some of the most comforting Psalms lately have been both Psalm 34 and Psalm 38. I’ll share some of these verses from Psalm 34.
Psalm 34:3-5, ‘O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.’
- Last week, I confessed to some of my closest sisters that one of my greatest fears is being rejected someone (specifically being in a relationship with someone), but the Lord is delivering me out of that fear.
God’s plans are flawless, and His plan for me will bring Him glory. I don’t have to have it all planned out, because He does. Right now I can keep baking goodies like these ones that I’ve had bookmarked from Kat and Lindsay and Jasmine and Ashley. Right now I can get up and go on morning strolls with 2 or 3 huskies or go lay out in the snow or the ground and just gaze at the vast Colorado sky and enjoy those moments of silence.
If I get married I may not have these times of being quiet and silent as much; I might not have long extended times of listening to sermons that are un-interrupted, so I want to treasure these times. I don’t want to begrudge this season.
Just like learning to be content with the shape, the weight, the look of my body, I want to be content in the season of singleness I’m in, even if I’m single for the rest of my life.
I know that MOST of all, Jesus is my greatest love. He is the goal. He is the King, the Lord, my intimate Friend, Redeemer, Savior, Lord, and if the Lord wills I long to someday seek Jesus together with another person.
Until then or even if that doesn’t happen, I will still PRAISE Him and learn to follow Him with all my heart.From learning to be content with my body to learning to be content with a season of singleness. . ….
I want to just end this with my VERY favorite hymn, because it’s such a wonderful portrait of that sweet contentment in Christ Jesus that comes no matter what happens and no matter what the day, week, year may bring.
‘When peace like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soulIt is well
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul’
(It Is Well: Horatio Spafford)
Have you struggled to be content with being single?
Being Content With Your Body: Has it been a process for you too?